i can never really accept the ways in which my life chooses to balance itself.

arrive home in order to a face a really heavy and upsetting discussion with my family. mostly i sit on my self-imposed pedestal as Official Organizer of Everyone's Happiness, and wonder how i'll tackle this one. my god, do i have a temper. poor surrounding recipients.

and as nice as it is to be good at something, or just generally appreciated, it's even nicer to have carol say:

"you deal with a lot
everyday of your life
of course you lost your shit"




earlier i will have exited my friends apartment in the hip side of town, to running into my barista crush on his bike, in the rain. there i am with an umbrella, and as we recognize each other, i smile, say hi, pull up my umbrella to include him, and say, "for two seconds" as the stop light flashes red. he smiles, "two seconds." then, "where are you going?" "home." i say. "so you mean the hip part of town?" he raises a playful eyebrow. impressed, i say, "i live in the suburbs?" "OH!" he says, truly surprised. the light turns green. "gotta go."

so today, i finally saw x's crush

in real life. meaning i've obviously only ever stalked the shit out of her online, so as to study to her apparent beauty/appeal/general aesthetic, cause i'm a girl, you know. she stared at me with her perfect skin. for a bit. and i know that really she was staring at my awesome swag, but a little part of me jumped the gun and wondered if she wasn't looking at me IRL, as if she knew my online persona too. you know, as if i was that significant in x's life. when i'm not.

whatever, she has manly broad shoulders.

so i went to a park, smoked a j, downed a bear, and told the unfortunate dude sitting next to me how "fucking dope i am, though." he said my legs felt real smooth.

louie.

everyone watch that. it is fucking great. and in that last episode, with the masturbation etc? okay, when that bible thumping chick starts describing the concept of "waiting" to share sex with someone after having formed a mental relation with them, or whatever? that writing was just so good. never came off preachy or the least bit like louie was slipping in some proselytization. just sharing a genuine sentiment about what sex develops into vs. what it starts off as. and the very fact that that was even being argued, when the show's being written from the perspective of a horny male? i don't know, it just made me think of that daniel johnston line, "respect love of the heart, over lust of the flesh."

too many feelings.

josh.

i have a friend. named josh. he is the best. josh and i are the kind of opposites who get along the best. josh would find my current writing voice both annoying and endearing, but only actually tell me it was annoying. josh likes to skateboard, hip hop, shoes, and aesthetics. i like josh. he is stupidly confident and relaxed. i guess that comes with being 25. josh treats me like a kid, and tells me to, "stop being fucking neurotic, it's annoying." josh says i'm, "high-strung" and, "nice." he smiles when i say silly things and then refuses to answer me. josh also thinks i'm smart. this is a big deal, because josh thinks, "most people are dumb." we have coffee and talk about culture, religion, and when i came back from the bathroom and said, "where were we?" he said, "existentialism" and shrugged. josh shrugs at existentialism. josh says he has me pegged and can predict the things i'm going to say, and then i say the things he's predicted. josh is really creative, used to be a punk activist, and now likes to play board games.

"i'm sorry, hanging out with me is intense."
"yes," josh sighs.
"i'm sorry."
"it's okay."
"i just like talking about this stuff."
josh nods, "i do too."
so, it is ok.
"stop being fucking neurotic, it's annoying."

so we sit on the edge of the highway, and i tell him how much i love the sunset, and he asks me if i know what the cheesiest thing he's ever heard is. i don't care, it's the prettiest kind of pink. a fox runs by. then he says, "i know you so well, and i don't have to tell you. that's the thing, you know it already (it being this abstract thing)," I nod (because I do know), "but," he continues, "you're just not willing to accept that you know it yet." i smile.

hey josh, if you're reading this: fuck you.

josh is nice.

i cannot better encompass my existence then with this current moment:

laying on my mothers knees as she combs my hair, the house smells of Amla oil (so very distinctly brown), and i lay in my bed with my laptop, and pop cultured tumblr, listening to:

on the past.

"i was fuckng weird is all i can say
tv raised me so when i entered highschool i had this deluded american sitcom expectation of it
and i was determined to be daria
fuck everything else
so i went through a weird metalhead phase
and then one day, i joined the school play and life changed for the most amazing better"